“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect to your future.” -Steve Jobs.
There seems to be so much at stake when college admissions decisions come out, whether it is December or April. It is especially difficult in December, since applicants usually have only one, or at best a few, options on the table, resulting in an “all-or-nothing” feeling. If the news is disappointing, there is often no countervailing news to offer solace. It is often easier in April, with more irons in the fire and perhaps the benefit of feedback from December, but it can still be tough on an adolescent’s fragile self-esteem and parents’ emotionally invested expectations.
Every December, I urge my clients to keep a low profile at school to escape the heavily wired insanity. I also encourage families to make this process about discovery and direction, not about self-worth. December is a learning experience that can result in a better outcome in April, only if the family embraces that learning and interprets it in a constructive way. If December news is disappointing, it may simply mean that the admissions committee of this particular college decided not to admit their child. This may mean his or her academic credentials were not quite strong enough for this institution, or that the admissions people surmised the match wasn’t there, or even random occurrences over which he or she has no control. As much as we try to predict the realism of the schools on an applicant’s list, there are sometimes unpredictable shifts that do occur, such as viral popularity for a “rising star” school one year, when the year before it would have been more accessible.
December news can also be a wake-up call that the student shot too high, requiring reassessment and a move to Plan B. I encourage the family to meet with the guidance counselor and utilize quantitative tools (e.g., Naviance) to re-evaluate the realism of the college list. I would definitely suggest adding less competitive schools, but institutions the student would be happy to attend; otherwise, the student might not approach these opportunities with the enthusiasm needed not only to gain acceptance, but also to thrive if deciding to attend one of those colleges. It is best to view the denial or deferral as neutral information, with no implications for one’s worth, just suggestions for adjusting one’s target college list. I am reminded of a quotation from author Robert G. Allen: “There is no failure: only feedback.”
What may seem to be the worst experience of your child’s life may actually provide the feedback that points to a different route, one that ultimately is a rewarding path. Richard Carlson, author of the classic, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, told a story about a wise man who was consulted by a villager about a series of dramatic events. When an ostensibly tragic event occurred, the villager asked, “Isn’t this the worst thing that could happen?” the wise man replied, “Maybe, maybe not.” When an apparently fortunate event happened, the villager asked, “Isn’t this the best thing that could happen?” the wise man replied, “Maybe, maybe not.” Click here for a quick recap of this insightful story.
As the late Steve Jobs said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect to your future.” At some point, your son or daughter will look back on the college process as a learning experience, perhaps a character-building journey, and an opportunity to discover more about oneself that altered the educational trajectory. We all know from our own lives that there are far tougher experiences in the white water rapids ahead than not getting into a specific college. We can put it in perspective for them and help them move on to the next steps.